I’ve been longing to write a blog post on men's mental health, toxic feminism and understanding gender roles but a recent book I read gave me the correct context and words to actually materialize my desires.
{NOTE-
The book I mention above is called UNTAMED by Glennon Doyle}
A lot of what you are about to read is a healthy cumulation of years of understanding on this topic via books, podcasts, healing & coaching my male clients, etc.
As a Feminist (who believes in equal rights and opportunities for men & women), I’m also an advocate for the provider-nurturer relationship.
The Provider-Nurturer Relationship
If we go way back to the times civilizations were formed, purely based on built and physical attributes, men became hunter gatherers and women became nurturers.
Men, because of their biological structure (testosterone) were always physically strong to go out in the wild to hunt and bring back home to their tribe and community. Women, by the grace of God can conceive, carry, breastfeed and nurture children. So the roles were set- men would bring in the food and women would make the space feel like home with their brilliant multi-tasking abilities and caring nature. As times went by (talking about 100s of years now), these roles started to merge.
Women wanted to be able to decide whether they want to be brilliant, multi-tasking home-makers or go out and bring in the big bucks. Fair enough… everyone should have a choice, right?
But, due to years of men being in the workforce, this sudden wave of radical movement where women wanted to join the workforce took the men by shock, surprise, confused feelings and perhaps jealousy. That’s when the whole EQUALITY discussion started.
Things started improving but the speed was slow and there were many obstacles along the way. Things are a lot better today but of course there’s scope for more changes. But that’s not what we are here to discuss today.
So? Then? What is it even about?
Women’s Self Worth
Since centuries, because of the woman’s role in the relationship (which was to be be a home-maker, conceive, have babies, care for them, run the house), they were made to believe that they are worthy if they can- attract a man, keep the man, satisfy him, bear children, care for those children, run the house, etc. A woman was successful, if she could do it all. Slowly as time progressed, pressure to look a certain way, be a certain way was added on the shoulders of women. This gave rise to the most common issue women suffer with today-
WORTHINESS ISSUES.
No matter how perfect/amazing a woman is, she always feels she can do better/be better. This pressure was added on to the shoulders of women by women. We always allow other women (usually older than us) to dictate what’s perfect and what’s not. We have let them manipulate us into believing that we are as good as we look because the better we look, the faster we get “selected” by a man to settle. The whole success/failure of a woman’s life is set on her getting married. Doesn’t matter if she's a CEO or a top BALLET dancer or an entrepreneur; if she ain’t married…’bechaaari’.
This infuriates us women but we very much are a part of this system because deep down genetically, we have been made to believe this way.
Now this is a sensitive matter because…
Women are inherently, biologically meant to “settle down” aka marry, have kids, nurture them, etc. This is important for a woman’s growth because she’s biologically wired to be that way.
But the current pressures of toxic feminism and roles merging has resulted in women feeling pressured to do it all which is unfair and impossible. A woman can’t be all places at once- at home, in office, at the parent-teacher meet… can she?
{I mean unless she has Hermoine’s time turner}
A woman has to decide what her true priority is and do the best because a happy wife and happy mom is the best one. She must choose a partner who is willing to be flexible in his roles too.
Struggles of a MAN
Just how a woman is made to believe that her worth is governed by the way she looks and the man she settles with, a man’s worth is governed by how well he earns.
MEN ARE CAGED.
They are made to believe that the only thing that matters is money and power. If they can’t get enough money to satiate the needs of his wife, children, mother, etc. then he’s useless. Men have the pressure to bring in the income long before a mother even conceives a child. This is the reason behind GENDER BIAS. A boy child has been preferred for centuries because he will bring in the money. That’s it. Their value and role is just to bring in the money. Because back in the day, women didn’t work, a girl child was frowned upon and a boy child was celebrated… you see how we created such complexities?
But now?
Both are working and able to earn (generally and mostly I mean). Still people prefer a boy child because it’s their genetic bias and predisposition into believing that men are more capable of bringing in the money and running the house.
But is it true?
Only you can shift your mindset.
This is important because men too are tired of constantly having to be the providers and being judged based on their salaries and the money they bring in.
This isn’t fair either because women still have a choice to be home to work but men can’t even think about choosing to be at home. Exhausting and cage like… no?
And to top it off, men were never allowed to express their emotions. Since they were little they would be ridiculed if they cried or showed any kind of emotion, they were dismissed and compared to girls, called demeaning names.
Little boys who weren’t allowed to emote then become great at suppressing their emotions and then no matter how much their wives push them to open, they close furthermore.
{Note- And then we wonder why men have heart attacks so much more than women.}
Men will need healing to unlearn the past patterns and learn a new way to express themselves.
MEN’S reaction to TOXIC FEMINISM
Women these days are complaining how men have forgotten chivalry, provider mentality, gotten complacent, etc. All of this is a repercussion of toxic feminism as well as years of men feeling caged and pressured to provide.
Men need help, love, support, guidance now more than ever. They are lost and don’t know which role to take. They don’t know if they should proactively provide or be open to their partners working and contributing in the family.
My Suggestion
Whether you’re a man or a woman, first decide what you want.
Ladies,
Do you want to be a home-maker?
Do you want to be a full time home-maker?
Do you want to work?
Do you want to work part-time or full time?
Do you want to contribute your income in running the house or you want to keep it to yourself to fulfil your needs & wants?
If you wish to contribute to the house, how much are you willing to put in without holding onto a grudge?
Do you want to work till you have kids and then quit to be the nurturer or do you want to continue working?
Answering these will help you understand the kind of partner to select and the kind of conversations to have with your potential partner.
Gentlemen,
Do you want a wife/partner who specifically stays at home and takes care of the kids?
If yes, then are you willing to and confident enough to provide for your family without feeling pressured/burdened?
Are you willing to take some time out for your partner and look into a work-life balance, to every once in a while help out with the kids?
Do you specifically want a partner who is working so that she can be busy and engaged in her life while sharing a life with you?
Do you want/need your wife to contribute to the finances so that you both can live a comfortable life?
Are you willing to be flexible if she chooses to quit working at some point? (if no, then this MUST BE COMMUNICATED)
If you are someone who wants his partner to contribute to the finances and work, are you willing to share the responsibility of running the house?
Only when these questions are understood, answered with certainty & clarity and communicated, will there begin to be EQUALITY in the correct way.
Ladies & Gentlemen, firstly, invest in healing yourself from the age-old genetic beliefs you are born with and create a new understanding of how you want to be. The more you heal yourself, the more you actually understand yourself.
I wish you all good luck and invite you to book a session with me if there’s anything that bothers/triggers you. If you wish to manifest something or seek clarity on, you’re more than welcome to contact me directly on Instagram DM @feeding_thy_soul
Love, Light & Gratitude,
Sia
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