My very own personal notes on conscious and very mindful parenting

CONFESSION

This blog post was never meant to go live! The write-up of this blog post was supposed to be my personal notes that I took while reading two of the most fascinating parenting books coupled with all the ThetaHealing knowledge I’ve gained alongside personal revelations & insightful client sessions. I’m going to keep these pointers below raw and as close to my personal notes as possible.

TOPICS COVERED IN THIS BLOG POST->

> Purpose of our children

>Tantrums

>Triggers & who's the culprit

>It's all about feelings

>Train your kids to live without seeking validation and perfection

>Healthy home environment

>Blame games & insecure childhood

>How to approach arguments

>Why does honoring your child's feelings matter?

>Child Abuse

>Validating feelings

>Disassociating with the feelings

>Do not distract

>Treat them with respect

>Parenting is a divine responsibility

Purpose of our children

In my humble, yet strong & well thought through opinion,

all of us must subscribe to the school of thought that

children as souls come “through us” but do not belong “to us”.

They have (themselves as a soul) chosen to be born through us because they have decided to HELP US (parents) heal, learn, grow and ascend in the spirit world. There is no such thing as an “unplanned baby”. Every child is planned by the Universe & God. If a person has conceived without actually planning for a baby, it is a subconscious manifestation. You can choose to go ahead with that pregnancy or not- that is upto the mother’s free will. There is NO SIN IN ABORTION. I repeat, NO SIN IN ABORTING/TERMINATING pregnancy. If abortion is a mother’s free will, miscarriage is the child’s free will to opt out of reincarnating in this world. In the Universe, there’s no such thing as a mistake or accident. In the grand scheme of things,

EVERYTHING IS A PART OF THE DIVINE PLAN.

Tantrums

Now, children being children… can be a handful. They are naughty and curious by nature. They have not fully developed a sense of communication plus they do not know how to regulate their emotions which is why they throw tantrums, cry (sometimes non-stop) if their needs are not met. We get frustrated because it takes real arduous effort to DECODE children and their needs. We need to understand that our children are little but their feelings are big; that’s why it’s referred to as ‘little one’s BIG FEELINGS’.

Triggers & who’s the actual culprit?

When your child (no matter how old – one month or twenty years)

does something and that TRIGGERS you big time, think why?

When I was his/her age (for example 3 years old) what did I go through? Usually your child’s age at the time of trigger can (possibly) have a correlation to how you “felt” at the same age.

Please sit with your parents & grandparents (or caretakers) to ask them how you were when you were 3 years old (using this age as an example). If you do not find anything significant, sit with a Coach or a healer to revisit your subconscious memory bank. Our engram banks are full of information on why we feel & behave the way we do!

Remember, our kids show us what we need to heal within ourselves. Let’s take a moment and thank them for this, please?

To simplify the above, let me give you an example (a hypothetical example) -

If my 3 year old daughter while eating accidentally spills the food on her dress and cries inconsolably, she’s doing that because she feels it’s the end of the world and her outfit is spoiled forever. She doesn’t yet fully understand the concept of washing. She’s also probably upset that she was clumsy enough to spoil her favourite dress. She is SMALL but her FEELINGS are BIG! Her feelings are BIG but she is small. She doesn’t know how to regulate her emotions. But as a parent, I understand that her outfit can be washed and accidents happen, it’s okay! It’s no big deal and it’s certainly not the end of the world. But I dare not say this to her. I must validate her feelings and tell her I understand that it’s upsetting to see your favourite dress get spoilt. Once I validate her feelings and give it a name- say, Noor, I understand you are sad that your favourite dress is stained. Now, let’s get you changed into another dress of your choice and we can have Aunty Shanti (our nanny) wash this dress for you so that it’s clean for you to wear it tomorrow.

But, instead of this approach, if I get triggered and start thinking-

What’s wrong with my child? Why is she making a fuss about such a small thing? Is she going to be like this after she’s grown up? Is she gonna cry over petty things? Oh my God Oh my God, what can I do to model a better behaviour, etc. THIS MEANS I AM TRIGGERED & I NEED TO WORK ON MYSELF! Otherwise, why would my little one’s big feelings trigger me, right?

Maybe when I was 3, I wasn’t allowed to throw a tantrum; maybe I had to suck it up; or maybe I was punished for spilling food all over my dress.

<This is just an example to help you understand how to deal with tantrums better. My daughter is 18 months on the day this blog is published & this example is hypothetical>

It’s all about FEELINGS

Kids pick up on feelings a lot. They are the fastest to assume ‘you don’t care’ which is why if you have had a bout of ignorance, due to any reason, please talk to them and apologise giving them the reason as to why you were unavailable (in a way that they can comprehend).

Eg-> if your child showed you their painting and you couldn’t react to it, later go and apologise telling them why at the time you could not react. If you don’t do so, your child will perhaps stop painting or lose interest. He/she may also feel that you don’t love or care about them. Now you might wonder why the child is being so ‘dramatic’? But truth be told, children are LITTLE but their feelings are BIG. They take everything too personally. Someone very famous said that ‘children are narcissists. They think the whole world revolves around them’. It’s funny but true and it’s a fact we have to accept. Most children are very sensitive. If not very sensitive then with a very high EQ (emotional quotient). I still remember, when I was little, I would feel a BITING PANG of SHAME if anyone even ‘shhhhed’ me or shut me up or ridiculed me or criticised me in any way shape or form. My parents didn’t know this for the longest time ‘cos I didn’t know how to share my feeling of shame. I would feel DEEP SHAME for days and I would begin to close up (emotionally) to the person who would make me feel shame in any way, shape or form. So much so that for a big chunk of my life, I was petrified of being humiliated. I even had nightmares where I’d feel humiliation. I realised this more and more as I invested in my healing journey and started decoding my dreams. I learnt how to decode dreams through journaling with a bit of guidance from my Coach.

Anyway, this is why, after a bout of (intentional or unintentional) ignorance towards children, apologising or correcting our actions is important.

Never let your ego/pride or false belief that ‘my kids will get spoilt’ come in the way of this.

This apologetic behavior of ours exemplifies the following virtues to our children:

effective communication,

forgiveness,

admitting mistake,

growing,

willingness to learn, etc.

Train your kids to live without chasing validation and perfection.

Speaking of painting (or any other activity), if you ever want to appreciate your child, don’t just say-

“Good job”

“Wow”

“Bravo”

“You did great I am proud of you”

Instead, tell them WHY and WHAT you liked. Doing this will help them understand that they don’t have to be perfect to get your love, validation and approval.

Encourage them to make diligent efforts and focus on the bit where you remind them that ‘they enjoyed’ and THAT matters. Doing this will give their brain a message that ‘what I do doesn’t count much, instead how I FEEL MATTERS’.

Kids must be trained to recognise feelings from an early age. There are books on feelings for little children. These books for kids seem very simple but are very well thought through and help both parents and children understand ‘feelings’ better.

But why does this matter?

It matters because, when children understand their feelings, they understand themselves. When parents help children understand the concept of feelings, parents too understand how to navigate feelings thus helping cater to their child’s needs more effectively.

You are your child’s role model

How you talk to yourself, treat yourself MATTERS more than ever once you have children 'cause they're always ALWAYS observing you!

Watch your inner critic as it passes down to your child. If you criticise yourself by calling yourself names and saying things like (even if it’s random and in a funny way)

“I am so silly, I made this mistake”

“I am useless because I cannot get such a simple thing right”

“I am hopeless”

“I am okay looking/ I look just fine :/”

(or asking your partner again and again ‘How do I look? or Do I look okay?’ Doing this tells your child that YOU aka their ‘role model’ seeks validation from the partner)

“I am average at …”

“I am bad at math”

“I am horrible at sports” (I say this a lot and I need to stop because cannot afford baby Noor to hear this)

“I don’t have enough money / resources”

“I cannot afford this”

“I am lonely”

“I am without support”

“I am sick and tired of this life”

“I am sick and tired of working all the time”

“I am exhausted/drained/tired.”

Or

when someone compliments you, dissing the compliment by laughing it off. This is scary!This is something your child will pick up on and either embrace it as their own or point it out straight up.

Healthy Environment & effective communication

Our child’s environment consists of everyone living under a roof. How we as parents speak to those people leave an impact on our kids – are we kind and grateful to our family members or do we lash out our frustration on them. Lashing out on our family members or even spouses for that matter can be interpreted in a multitude of ways on the child. The child will certainly lock in the trauma of negative emotions but what impact those emotions will have on the child may vary on a case to case basis. That’s why a good environment is very important for kids.

Remember, children take things personally.

I once worked with a guy who was in his late 20s. As a result of a trigger, we revisited his childhood phase where his mother would yell at his father. This little boy thought he was the reason his parent’s fought and hated himself for it. Growing up, he obviously understood that he was probably not the reason behind the fight but his inner child was stuck in that aspect of his childhood where his mother yelled at his father AND HE THOUGHT IT WAS BECAUSE OF HIM.

What is a good environment?

A good healthy environment is where the family members (even including house help/nanny) are polite, kind and speak with clarity to each other but moreover, grateful towards one another. When the home environment is toxic- shouting, fighting, raising voices while communicating, blame-games, drama, abusive language etc., children start feeling unsafe. If kids are made to feel unsafe, they feel insecure in their own home. As a result, they will not be curious and will have issues concentrating on other activities because their brain won’t think it’s important to be curious and will only always be on high alert due to lack of security. Such children are slow in mental development, easily distracted and overly sensitive.

This is why when parents have a second child, they see a new side (jealous/insecure) of the first child. This is when grandparent’s love should take over in a very large way. That’s what happened to me!!! When my brother was born, my maternal grandmothers (two of them) took me under their wing of unconditional overflowing love and nurture when my parents were busy catering to the needs of my newborn baby brother. This is the reason I never felt even a teeny bit of jealousy or insecurity around him. I always felt very secure, loved, validated and fulfilled all thanks to my two maternal grandmothers.

If parents are separated and the child is being raised by a single parent, that parent has to ensure to almost NEVER EVER BAD MOUTH THE OTHER PARENT. This is true even if a child is raised by parents who have had a very turbulent relationship and don’t usually agree on things. This is hard for the child because children see themselves coming from both parents and have an ‘unconscious loyalty’ to both parents. If one parent is bad-mouthed, children will certainly take it personally- to what magnitude, varies from case to case basis. I have started talking about ‘unconscious loyalty’ in all my client sessions now because it’s a very twisted concept very deeply ingrained in each one of us.

Blame games pave a pathway for INSECURE CHILDHOOD

Witnessing parents argue is never a good sight or learning for kids.

I still remember feeling torn, sad and scared every time my parents fought- no matter how big or small the fight was! I would always be at wits end when I witnessed my parents even arguing. I’d feel that they would split and I’d have to choose. This now seems funny when I think about it but when I was a kid… it felt BIG & SERIOUS. And quite frankly my parents didn’t even have aggressive fights. They would argue a couple of times a year and things would get sorted within hours and it would be back to normal before I could imagine. But… at the time of argument, I’d feel those BIG FEELINGS! This is why parents must apologise after a fight and try not to fight or argue in front of children. Kids are always watching and learning.

Usually when we argue, we always say

You did this…

You didn’t do that…

You said this…

You said that…

You made me feel like…

Because of YOU, I felt…

When we argue with more YOUs, we play a blame game which children pick up on and realize that their happiness and sense of contentment depends on the other person. They (children who are witnessing this) never learn to take accountability for their actions/emotions then. This is dangerous because they will soon start operating from a victim mentality.

Victim mentality attracts more situations in life where we then further feel like a victim. This is how the Law of Attraction works.

But if kids witness parents arguing/communicating with more “I” statements…

They learn accountability. I address these things more in detail with examples in my one on one coaching sessions as this may vary on a case to case basis. We need to make our children learn accountability. They need to believe in the universal fact that their happiness and contentment depends on them solely and how well they communicate with their inner circle.

How to approach arguments

While arguing, don’t focus on right and wrong … think of the perspective of the other person and how they “feel”. Feelings can charge up their perspective ten fold. Don’t focus on winning because that’s not what it’s about. Arguments should have more I’s than YOU’s. If you understand this, then you’ll be able to shift from YOU to I and bring about the change in front of children. Always remember, children watch and learn. They are like a sponge so be very mindful around them- even if you’re arguing.

Why does honoring your child’s feelings matter?

A child’s BIG feeling is very closely linked to their survival instinct. When they express anger, sorrow, jealousy they are simply asking for attention, care, nurture and unconditional love. As parents, we have to honour our child’s feelings because if we ignore their feelings, we tell them that their feelings do not matter in which case they will keep suppressing their emotions and no longer be in tune with their authentic self. If your child is throwing a tantrum soon after the birth of their sibling or is simply “getting into trouble” at school, they are communicating with you via actions. Via actions, they are begging for your attention. As parents, we can feel spent pretty quickly which is why these reminders are essential. So, instead of labelling the child as ‘difficult’, ‘fussy’, ‘needy’, ‘annoying’ or ‘demanding’ we must understand their feelings because if we as parents don’t, then who will? Also, we must help children recognise their own emotions.

Get these books (or any other similar ones, they all are very good) for your children to teach them about feelings early on!

Child Abuse

Child abuse is not just physical, mental, emotional or sexual. It is also what ‘confuses’ a child. Being laughed at or isolated can lock in as abuse for kids because they feel confused along with a pang of shame. This is also abuse. Sometimes, no matter how hard parents try, such things are unavoidable because children go to play, they go to school, they have extra co-curricular activities where they can experience peer bullying of some sort. This too feels like abuse to them! The following point is VERY VERY IMPORTANT>

If a child experiences something “weird” and comes and tells you about how they felt… even if you think it’s normal and nothing is weird about it, don’t say that to your kid for he/she will think they are being unreasonable and silly. Children are always looking up to us for validation and approval. For instance, maybe what they experienced is not any kind of abuse and all is normal but you denying their feelings will make them think that you don’t care or trust them to be open to their feelings/stories/imaginations. Today they might tell you a cooked up story but tomorrow they might share something serious. As a parent, your gut instinct is strong… you’ll know! So be open! I remember the Art teacher in my school (grade 1-3) would make us girls & boys sit on his lap and draw in our books. He would shake his leg and it seemed weird to all of us but none of us understood anything so we never raised any concern but as soon as we started understanding things… we all stayed THE HELL AWAY FROM HIM! Can I tell you something ironic? We found out he had a daughter. I often wonder what went on at his house?

The world is full of weirdos, as parents, it’s our responsibility to protect our children from such creeps and from a very early age, teach them about ‘good touch’ and ‘bad touch’. Make sure you do this with a baby boy as well as a baby girl.

Validating feelings

Kids are always seeking our love and validation- always. We have to honour their feelings. We owe it to them as their primary caregivers.

Every feeling is important; be it that of

anger, guilt, love, joy, fear, excitement or wonder.

If you feel uncomfortable when your child is angry/cranky/frustrated, then that’s a trigger within you that you must heal else your child bears the consequences of your unhealed self. I am obviously not talking about a one off time where you’re spent and your child is all over the place. I am talking about a recurring feeling of discomfort within you that surfaces whenever your child acts out!

This is how kids help us ascend and grow.

Disassociating with the feelings.

When your child goes through a particular emotion or feeling such as sadness, don’t use the phrase

‘You ARE sad’ because that would mean you are labelling or associating that child with sadness.

Instead say…

‘You are FEELING sad’.

This helps with dissociation and also helps our children understand that we are not our emotions and emotions come and go. Emotions are energy in motion so they come and they go… they flow! Also, the more we talk about our emotions, our feelings, the more that child will be in tune with theirs. This helps with understanding self through and through.

DO NOT DISTRACT!

Kids need to express themselves and feel heard. If kids don’t express themselves their immunity drops majorly because they live in a constant fight or flight.

If your child wants to play with your car keys (for example) and you don’t want him/her to, instead of distracting them and taking the key away (which most parents do), tell them it’s not okay for them to play with the key. If they get angry, tell them

‘it’s okay for you to be angry but I won’t let you play with the key’. They deserve honesty even if it comes at the cost of a tantrum for the first few times.

It’s easier to distract them than speak to them in the language of feelings. But in the long term it’s more rewarding to talk to them in the language of feelings. Initially it might be frustrating but soon you will see how rewarding it is.

When we distract our children, we are manipulating them, when we manipulate them, we teach them not to trust.

The biggest downside to this distraction method is that children over time lose their ability to focus.

Treat them with respect

Babies are individuals too and in our relationship we must treat them like they are our partners. If we talk to them before doing anything to them or for them, they feel from a very early age in life … respected. For example, before changing them, we tell them so, before burping them, we tell them so, etc.

Also communication with our child should be 50-50. We don’t have to lead them per say. We have to stop and mindfully observe what catches their attention and be interactive in that way. Kids not just communicate word wise but also body wise.

Parenthood is a divine responsibility

If you are in two minds about having a child, do not plan a baby unless you’re ready to commit. Yes, it is okay to not have children because children need energy and resources to thrive. If you cannot invest your time, money, energy in a child, you’re better off not having one. Also, children deserve unconditional love and nurture so think ten times before planning a baby! You see, the children you have don’t just influence the four walls of your home. They go into the world, either whole or wounded. Who they become is entirely up to you.

“Having a child is the most difficult job in the world for reasons no one has revealed to me. It is arduous in its persistence to go to the only place we spend all our lives escaping from – within, inside, in the depths of our psyche.

Who are we?

Why do we scream?

Why do we lose our temper?

Why do we react?

What if everything we say is wrong with our child, is actually our brokenness?

Face that. See that. That is motherhood.”

-(from THE BOOK YOU WISH YOUR PARENTS HAD READ…)-

“Do you know who the best mothers are? The mothers who mother themselves.

When you are good to you, you will show up the way your children need because you’re finally showing up for yourself.”

Kavita S (@conscious.parent on Instagram)

“Yes, it is okay to not have children. Those women who choose not to, nurture in other ways the world needs (hello, Oprah). Motherhood is not just about having a child, it is also choosing to not. The ultimate mothering is not from mother to child. It is in the loving eyes you cast upon the darkest parts of who you are.

Can you shine a light on that?

Then you are a mother.”

Everything you read about a mother stands true for a father too.

Parenting today puts a ton of stress on the role both mothers & fathers play. It’s not easy, it’s no fun & games. Do it only if you’re ready. If you think you’re not and you still wish to be a parent, then, invest in some healing and coaching before you take the bold step of parenting.

If you are a healed parent (or at least a parent invested in self healing), you’ll do wonders for your child, otherwise, you will simply be lashing out or reacting on your unhealed wounds.

Love, light & gratitude,

Sia